The Day We've Wedded For
by knives4cash
Summary: Team RWBY takes a marriage preparation course administered by Ozpin. Hilarity ensues.


Part thirty-six of my RWBY series "Pollination: The Bumblebee and White Rose"

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Tick... Tick... Tick...

I can honestly say that the ticking of a grandfather clock in an office space that was built for two people is almost as annoying as the atrocious screeching of a bird. The office itself is well furnished with a desk and chair set of pine, a mellow rug of red and black in a simple checkerboard fashion lying on a dark wooden floor, and a two shelved bookcase that holds many classics. I see that Ozpin is a fan of "Miniature Females". Hmm, I'll have to sit down with him on that; I personally found that novel to be overrated.

"Why are we here?" Ruby sighs as she slouches in her chair.

Weiss, who sits to my left, pats her girlfriend on her shoulder. "Ruby, I applaud you for being philosophical, but now is hardly the time. Also, sit up straight; your back will appreciate it."

Yang snickers. "Not even married, and she's already telling you what to do, sis. You gonna lie down and take that?"

"Peace, girls." I valiantly sue for peace. "Let us take Ozpin's course in stride." While I see the logic in administering a marriage preparation course for young lovers about to graduate, I do not fully appreciate having to share a room with another couple, even if said couple is two of my closest friends.

The door opens up, and Ozpin enters with a mug of freshly brewed coffee. "Good day, huntresses." He greets us in his low tone as he sits down at his desk. "Due to time constraints, I must make this run quickly and smoothly." Taking a sip of his beverage, he opens up a desk drawer and removes a folder. Opening up its contents, he then reaches back in and pulls out a solid black sphere the size of a ping pong ball. "Normally, I'd have the young couple in question fill these out on their own and in pen, but I must speed up the process for today." He confesses as he tosses it up into the air. "Record." He orders.

It begins to levitate and moves behind him, gently bobbing up and down.

"Oooh, you got the new FLI-Ball!" Yang squeals as she clasps her hands together. "How?! They're not slated for release for another six months!"

He chuckles as he takes another sip. "Being a student dictator has its perks, Miss Long." He puts the mug down and picks up a small packet of paper. "Now, I'll ask Miss Rose and Miss Schnee a question; they will give their answers; and then Miss Belladonna and Miss Long will answer the same question."

"Ready, sir!" Ruby nods with confidence.

Weiss scoots back in her chair, maintaining a straight posture. "Indeed. Fire away." She requests with indifference.

Ozpin begins to read from the paper. "How long have you known your fiance, and when did you become convinced that you wanted to marry them?"

"Almost four years, and on my eighteenth birthday!" Ruby declares with a gleaming smile.

"What she said." Weiss admits with a nod.

Ozpin grunts in acknowledgement as he takes another sip of his drink.

My turn. "Almost four years as well, but I wanted marriage after the first year of meeting her." I answer.

Yang sighs, slouching into her chair and crossing her arms. "Almost four years, but I wanted to marry AFTER graduation." She confesses to him.

"What made you change your mind?" Ozpin asks, leaning forward and taking a sip of his coffee. The aroma is filling this room faster than a broken dust crystal. It's almost intoxicating for my heightened sense of smell.

Yang scoffs and sighs as she recalls, "A certain kitty cat kinda put me on the spot in the middle of a class." A grin appears on her face. "I used a shotgun shell for a ring."

Ozpin smirks. "Next question then. What are the relational strengths you bring to the marriage?"

Ruby spends a few seconds pondering the question before snapping her fingers. "Unlimited cuddles!"

Weiss face palms and groans, "He said strengths, not curses."

"Hey!" She turns in her chair to look at her girlfriend. "Unlimited cuddles isn't a curse!"

"Then why do we keep getting banned from all of the finer restaurants in town?" Weiss sighs as she turns away from Ruby's gaze.

Ruby looks down at her boots. "It's not my fault that people don't appreciate the art of french kissing."

Ozpin clears his throat. "Miss Schnee, if you could answer the question?"

She perks up. "Ah, sorry. I bring unwavering support, loyalty, confidence, a logical voice of reason, undying love, a shoulder to lean and or cry on, and a killer singing voice to boot." She answers with a small smirk of confidence.

"Ignoring the singing voice," I answer, "Practically the same set of qualities."

"What she said." Yang answers.

Nodding, Ozpin reads aloud, "What do you consider to be your weaknesses as a prospective husband or wife?"

Humming in thought, Ruby slowly answers, "I suppose I can be... hyperactive. Sometimes."

Weiss quickly turns to her. I can only assume that her eyes are wide open, due to the sudden spike in aura she briefly gives off before subconsciously masking it again. "It took you almost four years to figure that out?!"

"Perhaps, Weiss, your weakness would be scrutinizing other people's flaws?" Ozpin quickly suggests in Ruby's aid.

At first, the heiress falters. "I- I-" She sighs in defeat. "I suppose." She looks down. "Sometimes." She begrudgingly admits.

"My feline traits have caused a few problems." I openly admit. It's been so long since Yang and I dared venture around any disco balls or cardboard boxes.

"But they've cause WAY more kinky fun time problems!" Yang purrs, "The bedroom kind of problems that leave telling marks all over my neck." Sometimes I worry that she's into that stuff just a little too much."

Ozpin gives her a frown that I have no words for. It's just... does he even speak with his mom anymore? "And what about you, Miss Long?"

Cocking her head with a grin, she proudly answers, "I can be too rough in the bed. I actually broke the bed one time!"

"Technically, you burned it." I quip.

She scoffs. "It still BROKE, kitty cat."

Ozpin just stares at her. "How- When-" He shakes his head. "I don't want to know."

"Oh, well it all started after Blake and I saw this really bad movie-"

"DON'T! Want to know." He interrupts, raising a hand and silencing my girlfriend. Mmh, I remember that. Fun times. Probably too much. "Next question." He sighs and reads aloud, "Which areas do you think your fiance needs to grow?"

Ruby squirms in her chair. "Well... I think..." She turns to Weiss and declares, "I think you're a little too opinionated sometimes."

Yang scoffs. "JUST sometimes?"

"Do you want me to freeze you again?" Weiss growls, not even turning her head.

Yang eeps, "I'll be good."

"Good girl." Weiss sits back and spends a few moments thinking on the question. "My main complaint with you, Ruby, is that you can be too impulsive. I do wish you'd try to be more reserved and spend a few more minutes thinking about things before you act on them."

"Like: 'Is french kissing my girlfriend in a fancy restaurant in the open a good idea?'" I offer with a smirk on my face. I always manage to get my paws on a copy of a video or photo of the two getting frisky, even when I'm not there. The celebrity photographer can be a useful tool. But most of the time, they're just a regular tool.

Yang offers me her hand. I high five it.

"Let's not start a civil war, Miss Belladonna." Ozpin requests.

"Right, sorry." I apologize. I'm not sorry at all. "I feel that Yang and I enjoy the more adult activities with each other a bit too much." I confess, much to Yang's gawking stare.

"I disagree!" She declares, jumping up from her seat. "I believe that we don't enjoy them enough!"

"Yang." I deadpan, "I have had to resort to drawing your blood with my teeth, just to get your attention."

"OOOH!" Weiss gasps. "So the blood-stained sheets weren't- You two weren't on your- It wasn't-" She places her hands over her face. "I feel reassured and disgusted at the same time."

"Moving on." Ozpin sighs. "This one is the most important question." He deadpans, drawing all of our attention. "You four must answer honestly."

Yang sits down, and we all await this question of dire importance.

"Have you accepted the Flying Spaghetti Monster as your lord and savior?"

We four verily answer, "Yes."

Ozpin breaths a sigh of relief. "Very good. We have one last question: What was the last conflict that you two had, and how did you resolve it?"

Ruby answers, "Oh! The last conflict was between the four of us! It was our monthly Date Night, and we couldn't decide on what activity to do."

Weiss finishes with a sigh of embarrassment, "So naturally, the only logical solution was to play Spin the Bottle."

Ozpin stares at her. I can't read his expression, and he's masking his aura. "And how did that go?"

Yang scoffs, "Pervert."

I quickly answer, "To make a long story short: Everyone frenched everyone."

Again, he stares at us. That is to say, until blood starts dripping out of his nose. He immediately sets his mug down. "Excuse me." He whispers and runs out of his office.

As the door slams shut, Team RWBY is plunged into an awkward silence.

Ruby is the first to speak. "There seems to be a lot of nose bleeding going around, lately." She turns to Weiss and smiles knowingly. "Do you think it's contagious?"

Weiss groans, "I don't wanna talk about it."

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A/N: I make no attacks on any religion. I just think the painting of the Flying Spaghetti Monster is fragging hilarious.


End file.
